One Step At A Time

Oh Life...why dost thou hate me so?

2009-01-16T02:21:14Z

It has been one eventful week for most people I know. I've pretty much lost my faith in humanity, I've realized. I should've been a hermit.

My mom is in the hospital for the second time in as many months. I worry about her far more than I probably should, especially now that there really is NOTHING I can do. Butthead and Biffy broke up (yay for drama), and he got sick. My friends on the east coast are being far less helpful then I would like about the whole "If we're going to see each other I need you to TELL ME whether or not I'm going to get a ride from you" thing. And I agreed to go to my cousin's wedding. I hate my family, but when my aunt informed my mother (while she was lying in a hospital bed no less) that she needed to know so that she could invite someone else if we weren't going, I felt like I had no choice.

I really need a girl's night. Just a night with heterosexual female single friends who are just as willing to hate men as I am and eat junk food and drink and watch sappy movies all at the same time. It would really help my morale. But I know when I go home, there won't be that many people there to do that with. Everyone picks spring break to go away, and I'm coming out the following week. So yeah that's probably gonna be a lost cause.

Feh. I need a vacation. Just to recharge my brain because god dammit I am starting to lose my mind.

Love Story

2009-01-11T10:40:03Z

Soooo drunk right now so I better get this out before I sober up.... lol

I really REALLY HATE men right now. Gay, straight....they're all the god damn mother fuckin same...I havent decided which is worse though. Give me time lol no gay men are worse, I've decided. Because it takes an entirely different type of person to put up with their bullshit . Don't get me wrong: I love him (far more than I get credit for most of the time) but even I'm beginning to see my own limits.

Yeah.

The only guy I can count on with any stability right now is Jose Cuervo...yeah, sad aint it?

God I cant wait to go home and get a break...go home and drink and get burgers AFTER we've been trashed for hours lol wow I REALLY want that steakhouse burger lol.

I know what my priorities are...its just difficult to hold on to them when I know it doesnt have to be this way...

This is what drunken Bindi looks and sounds like....like she's thinking too much. And like her roommate needs a milkshake.

But whatever.

Nostalgia

2009-01-08T08:03:16Z

I've been watching Sailor Moon a LOT lately...far more then is considered healthy. And because of this, I have come to a conclusion:

I miss the 90s.

I miss waking up at 6 in the morning (an hour and a half before I had to be up for school) to watch this show. I miss going to my friends houses and hiding my shoes so that we could hang out longer. I miss going to the Waterside pool. I miss the birthday parties there (because EVERYONE I knew had one). I miss my friends from elementary school: Alana, Alexandra, Vicky, Shakeyra, Andrea, Jenn, Grace, Shane, Mikey, Peter, Austin, etc etc etc. I miss my kindergarten teacher, Ms. Alejandro...who got married and pregnant and disappeared. I miss montoring for the kids who are now entering college. I miss the Snapple machine in the lunchroom. I miss Lite-brite.

I miss going to Moe's house on weekends. I miss going to Atlantic City for my birthdays. I miss the Rock and Roll Dance, the senior dance, the movies in the auditorium on sucky days, the pizza after school, the PTA meetings (which were as good an excuse for play dates as any). I miss the shitty 70s wallpaper that used to cover my house. I miss trick or treating. I miss skipping school to visit Uncle Dennis. I miss being close to my cousins who used to be my best friends.

I miss not having to worry about school work, or finding a job. I miss not having to worry about where the money for groceries or rent is going to come from. I miss the days when I didn't know what the words "suicide", "Depression", and "AIDS" meant. I miss the days when I didn't know what Prozac was.

I miss being fearless. I miss being carefree. I miss being a kid.

Writer's Block: Church and State

2009-01-04T20:33:46Z

Today in 1893 U.S. President Benjamin Harrison declared full amnesty for Mormon polygamists. Is it the government's place to define which marriages are valid and which are not?

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Oh what a touchy topic....

The government does have the right to define marriage because there are legal benefits for the union. However, to do so based on a religious text violates the principle of separation of Church and State. The bible (Leviticus in particular) says an awful lot of things that don't have a place in today's society. Shellfish, working on Saturday, tattoos - all no-nos. 50 years ago it was illegal for a black man and a white woman to get married. So, if the government should endeavor to define what a marriage is or isn't, the principles of personal liberty and protection of minorities need to be taken into account. To say that a minority group cannot marry (within that same group, no less) is to forget that this is the 21st century, and old prejudices need to be abolished. This is a different world than that of previous generations and our laws need to reflect that.

A Belated Happy New Year

2009-01-03T19:29:43Z

So 2009 is finally upon us. I didn't want to post anything about my plans for this year (or reflections on last year) before 2008 had officially ended. I felt kinda superstituous about it.

2008 - The Review

All in all it wasn't a bad year for me. Since April of 2007, my only wish for each year is that I survive it. When it began, I was considering moving out to California after I had gotten my associates. I had initially wanted to do it on my own, without telling anyone. The people in my life who are most important to me would've been angry, yes, but they would've forgiven me. They love me unconditionally, and I've learned to accept that and try to return the favor. Whether or not I've succeeded is up to them.

I moved to California much sooner than I had initially planned, but a twist of fate made that possible. It was an opportunity I couldn't turn down. But, here I am, 4 months later, and it's beginning to dawn on me that moving back is a real possibility. It's a simple matter of math: living out here is expensive. That can’t be changed. It’s less expensive than living in NY, but in NY, I can rely on my parents for what I need. Here, its another story.

Before we left, I was convinced that should we decide to give up on this, I wouldn't be able to bounce back from it. It would crush me. I'm sitting here examining this idea, and the bottom line I've reached is this: I will be ok. I'm going to survive. It's a strange idea to me, being a soldier. But if we go back, I'll take it on the chin and go with the punches. Whatever happens, happens. No regrets.

School seems to be falling into place for me too. I was told that I needed a 3.0 to bring my GPA up enough to stay enrolled in Herkimer and recieve financial aid. Right after the semester ended, I checked my GPA for the semester and it was a 2.83, which I thought wasn't high enough. My overall cumulative GPA was a 1.55. Then the other day I checked my cumulative GPA again and it was a 2.09, probably because when you take classes over again, they only count your highest grade. So I’m going to be in school in the spring…go figure.

I turned 21 this year. It was a milestone for so many reasons, most of which are only known to me.

I’m so not used to things going my way like this. Life usually likes to throw me some nasty curve balls. But I’m not questioning it…I’m simply going along for the ride lol.

2009 - Goals Goals Goals

Once again, my expectations do not exceed survival. I simply want to keep my fears and depression under control. There will be flare ups (that can’t be avoided), but ultimately, that’s what I want for this year.

I also want to figure out what I want to do with my life. As someone who wants to major in history, I resent it when people ask me if I want to teach it. There are so many other things you can do with a history degree. I do want to go to Graduate school after I get my bachelors (from where I don’t know yet). But I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and I’ve realized that I do. Want to teach, that is. I want to give something back. I either want to teach or I want to work for a nonprofit organization. Or both lol.

Here’s to 2009. May this year be better than the last.

Relationship Status

2008-12-30T09:11:36Z

Call me crazy, but I don't want a boyfriend...

It sets me apart. Everyone I know is either in a relationship or looking for one. But not me.

I haven't really figured out why this is. I mean, sure, previous experience has taught me that relationships are somewhat overrated and that men, as a rule, tend to suck. And, as someone who doesn't let her independence go without a fight, relationships are risky. I actually like being alone. I like to walk around by myself and people watch. I relish being able to sleep alone at night, you know? I kinda like it that way.

But then there are times where I wish that wasn't the case. I can feel the pressure from my parents....they want grandchildren. How do I know this? Because they tend to drop hints that suggest they think my friend and I moved out here to get married (which is soooooo not the case). It's weird. But what parent doesn't want grandchildren, right?

People keep telling me that its going to happen when its going to happen; that it can't be rushed. OR they tell me that I won't meet anyone unless I make the effort. OR that it'll happen when everything else in my life is lined up right. OR that they can fix me up with someone. And blah blah blah.

God I hate blind dates. My dad is Indian so when I was a baby, he and my grandmother arranged my marriage to a boy in India (who, when I met him many MANY years later, set off my gaydar the way Alan Cummings does). When my mom said no chance in hell, he arranged my marriage with a little mexican kid when we got back to the U.S. Again, my mom said no fuckin way. When I was in high school, my friends set me up with all sorts of random guys, all of whom had a thing for robotics...something I just cannot get interested in. And they went to Stuyvasent for the most part, which gives them an alpha male complex that doesnt ever go away unless the stock market crashes and they lose all their money. The guys who I actually liked hanging out with turned out gay in the end OR they thought I was cheating on them (for the love of god don't ask).

And so here I am....single, and 21.

If you judged me on the curve that my generation is on, then I'm failing miserably. I should be going out, getting drunk every weekend, hooking up with guys all the time. But that's not my scene. I tried it, and it was fun. I admit that much. But its so superficial, not to mention exhausting. And that's not quite what I'm after. And it would be extremely easy to lose myself in all that commotion, which is dangerous for someone like me.

I don't know...maybe I'm weird. Or maybe I am simply the product of disillusionment. Who knows.

Writer's Block: Easy Like Sunday Morning

2008-12-28T10:13:50Z

Ah, Sunday, the day of rest. What's your favorite way to spend a Sunday morning?

View 501 Answers

Sleeping in. Or going to a museum (I miss those days). But bumming around my house was always my favorite.

Writer's Block

2008-12-28T09:45:30Z

It is 1:30 and I can't sleep. So in between trips to the laundry room, I created this little corner of the internet. People find it funny that I've never really participated in LiveJournal before (at first, I only used myspace, and then it was facebook, and now I wish I could quit). But I didn't see the need because of the little blog feature on Myspace. But I hate myspace. So here I am....

"One step at a time" is a sort of mantra for me. It helps me maintain some sanity. "The life and times of a fairy princess"....well that's in honor of my status as fag hag. It seemed appropriate (and who doesn't wanna be a princess?).

It's the time of year again...time to break out the New Year's Resolutions. They're always the same, arent they? Lose weight. Get a boyfriend. Quit drinking/smoking. And blah blah blah. This time last year, I was seriously considering moving far away (in addition to several others of course). And, out of all of them, that was the one I followed through on.

What is it about setting goals we're not going to reach? We get caught up i the durdgery that is everyday life and we don't follow through because there are more pressing issues at hand. I mean seriously...what good is losing weight if you can't pay rent?

So how was 2008? All together....not so bad. Which is a first for me. Sure it had it's ups and downs. It didn't start well. But all in all, its been a pretty good year. And not just for me. I mean, we have a black president...who saw that one coming??

Here's hoping 2009 doesn't break the pattern that's being set lol.